Five Times River Scared Mal
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: without becoming Reaverslayer. Post BDM. Rayne pairing.


Five Times River Scared Mal  
by mermaid2bseeker

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1). Mal walked onto the bridge intent on relieving lil'albatross from her piloting shift. He was surprised to find her not in the co-pilot's seat, where she always sat, but in Wash's old seat. River made no indication she noticed Mal. As Mal neared her, he saw her playing with Wash's dinosaurs, which had been left at his station as a kind of memorial.

"You are foolish to think you can defeat me," she made the T-rex kick the stegosaurus.

"This land is mine, I will kill you." The stegosaurus charged at the T-rex, who bit down on his attacker's neck.

"Ha, ha, I laugh at your futile efforts." River continued making the dinosaurs fight each other.

The display sent chills down Mal's spine. River's voice wasn't her own. Had he not known better he might have expected Wash to be hiding behind the controls, throwing his voice or some such trick.

"18 hours to Persephone, cap'n." She startled him out of his thoughts and he watched her leave, part of him waiting to see if she would enter Zoe's cabin, since she seemed to be channeling Wash. Thankfully, River kept going to the staircase that led to her dorm.

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2). Seeing as how it was his turn to cook, Mal headed to the kitchen early. He wasn't surprised to see Jayne at the table, cleaning his guns. It was after all the only table big enough. He was surprised to see River sitting at the head of the table.

"Evening, Captain Daddy," River said, without turning to look. Of course, that weren't anything odd, she was always doing stuff like that. Mal watched as she took apart one of the guns and handed the pieces to Jayne for cleaning. Maybe Mal was addled but he thought he saw Jayne give River a little smile; the next second it was gone.

This certainly was an odd development. Jayne never let anyone handle his guns, but here was River touching them all over and Jayne weren't even trying to kill her like normal. In fact, he was giving her the clean pieces for reassembling

As Mal went to retrieve the cook ware, he noticed River had her eyes closed as she put the guns back together with military precision.

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3). It was a dangerous cargo drop and they needed extra firepower, so amidst the doctor's finely worded protests, River joined them on the surface. At some point she had stopped wearing them fine dresses of hers, choosing instead cargo pants and tight-fitting shirts. Mal noticed she was looking more and more like Jayne, a thought that disturbed the cap'n on many occasions. Though, she still walked around barefoot when it took her fancy.

River also seemed to have picked up Jayne's habit of carrying too many weapons—another thought that disturbed Mal. Was he the only one who remembered she was not all there in the head? At the moment, River looked over at him smiling and he realized she could probably hear his thoughts right now. Gorram, but it was easy to forget sometimes.

As was normal for the cargo drops, everything went south mighty quick. The four of them—Mal, Zoe, Jayne and River—were pinned behind some boulders, outnumbered, with the bad guys advancing fast. Those too many weapons of theirs soon became not enough as they steadily ran out of ammo.

By now, Mal was pissed, not only were those _shee-niou ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng_ trying to kill him and his crew, they were also intent on stealing _Serenity_ as well. That old saying 'over my dead body' was certainly coming to mind.

River threw her guns down in determination. She reached behind her and withdrew a huge blade, much to Mal's amazement, who wondered where in the hell she had hid it. "I believe this dance is mine," she said and ran out into the open. Mal noted that Jayne, who was beside River, hadn't tried to stop her, choosing instead to watch her with a near-gleeful expression.

Immediately, there was gunfire as the bad guys tried to kill the swordwielding crazy girl. She dodged and rolled, slicing through the gun muzzles. Within seconds all ten men were unarmed, of course the lack of guns didn't give them any more schooling than they already had. Two of the men rushed River, intent on pinning her down. She stepped aside, and they smacked into each other, falling to the floor. With two flicks of her sword both men were hamstrung. Once this happened, the others realized they didn't want to fight anymore.

Were River smiling any wider her face would have split. Jayne rushed out to meet her and she jumped into his waiting arms. There was something mighty creepyfying about them being so joyful over bloodshed like that.

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4). A little under a year later, River and Jayne approached Mal in the cargo bay. He and Zoe were off loading their cargo. Mal immediately noticed they were holding hands, and that was just a mite odd.

"Something I need to know about?" he asked.

River glanced up to Jayne for a moment. "We want you to marry us."

He coughed—what! It took him a minute to get his brain around the words—Zoe doing the opposite of helping with her smiling and praising. The very idea of Jayne and River-together-made his head twitch. There was something very unsettling about the two of them holding hands, and he weren't even going to think of them doing _other_ things. Not to mention the fact he didn't want to upset Simon. Being the doctor, he knew many fine ways to use a scalpel. Of course Mal didn't say that out loud, since it weren't right for the cap'n to be scared of the dandy doctor. Instead, he refused on the grounds that River was too young and Jayne too crude.

Mal had barely got the words out of his mouth when River let her hand drift down to the gun she wore at her hip. It was a gift from Jayne, and since then Mal couldn't recall her ever being without it. She stared at Mal with an innocent yet threatening smile and he forced himself to remember that River once killed an entire army of Reavers and could prob'ly take his head off with her bare hands.

When it was all said and done; having taken less than five minutes; Zoe asked, "When Simon kills you, can I have your cut?"

"No."

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5). Maybe two minutes after the shotgun wedding—emphasis on _gun_—there was a loud crashing noise from inside the ship. Mal and Zoe left the cargo bay at a rush, since crashy noises weren't ever good things. They reached the lounge area in time to see River flip Simon away from Jayne, who was sprawled across a chair nursing his jaw. She pinned Simon to the floor with her hand at his throat—not enough to strangle but enough to keep him down.

If looks could kill, Mal would be talking with the Shepherd right now. "You had no right to do that!" Simon shouted at him. "River's just a girl—"

"--The candles blown, the cake devoured," River told her brother. "No longer a girl."

Mal grinned in relief that he was not the one on the floor. "Last I checked doc, your sister's grown. It was her choice."

Simon sputtered indignantly.

"And if Jayne tries anything unseemly, she's more than capable of defending herself."

River let go of Simon's throat. "Now apologize to husband."

He sat up and rubbed his throat. "Mmsorry," he mumbled not meeting Jayne's eyes and turned back to River. "But why, mei-mei?"

"Children should not be born out of wedlock."

If looks could kill, Jayne would be talking with Mal and the Shepherd right now. "Children?! River, are you…muh…you're not…"

She giggled, "not yet."

Mal had a sudden vision of _Serenity_ filled with little children. Crazy psychic boys and crazy gun-happy girls—none of them wearing shoes. His heart began to race and his breath came in sharp gasps.

"Cap'n?" Zoe grabbed him as he fell forward in a dead faint.

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A/N: Please review. 


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